Prince Almost Charming The Always in Distress Damsel 



The 411 on Dating in LALA is that both men and women are looking for people that don’t exist! Prince Almost Charming is juggling so much booty he can barely keep names straight, let alone be anyone’s knight in shining armor. The Always In Distress Damsels, mostly-plastic mannequins, God bless their dear hearts, act like they were dropped on their heads at birth and are stuck on the part in the fairytale where they perpetually get rescued. The dragon is going through hard times, just like all of us, and so no matter how many swords slay his ass, he just falls over like a bad actor and gets right back up again. Retirement during this recession is not an option. The pages near the end of the book with the happily ever after part have been vandalized by some unknown parties for reasons we can’t fathom. We can only speculate. With all this said, there’s no wonder it’s all starting to feel like a Grimm Fairytale. The sad part is, we don’t even need an evil step mother or a witch to cast a bad spell, we seem to have that control at national and global levels as humans. So do we just throw in the towel and give up on love? Let some bad plots in the story deter us? No! We work with the cards that life dealt us! Here are 10 of the best kept secrets to Making Mr. Wrong oh so right!

#1. The 5-Something 6’2 Foot Dude. 

Okay, so it’s glaringly obvious that he lied about his height when you are towering over him at 5’7 . . . but hey, you probably don’t look that beautiful in person without the airbrushing yourself, so give the dude a break. He turned up for the date on time! He smells good and he is dressed nicely. He is not bad to look at, and he even comes around to open the door to his little hybrid for you. He has all his teeth, a strong hairline to make up for a slightly weak chin . . . meet Prince Almost Charming! Of course, chances are you had a bad day, princess, like usual. The acting thing is not quite paying the bills . . . yet! Something you almost cannot keep to yourself but curb your tongue. Do not start the date by complaining or expecting much. Remember, we still can’t locate Charming, so for now this is as good as it gets!

#2 He is Not Balling But Please No Eye Rolling! 

 This dude’s father does not own half the kingdom of LALA like that other chap in another story. But he isn’t dead broke either . . . he has a pulse and he is choosing to share it with you. He is, at best, average. He works hard and makes a living and can afford to ask you out with all of your airs. The golden rule to dating during this man drought is to be kind. Don’t order the most expansive thing on the menu, very much knowing he is blowing an entire weeks salary to feed you sushi. A big red flag is the guy who takes away your menu! Or the one who says “I’m not hungry” and then proceeds to eat more than half the food on your plate. I know, mopey princess, you did not dream about this as an angelic little girl, and neither did you sign up for this date. There doesn’t have to be a second. But if there is, ask him out for a romantic picnic and make the sandwiches yourself at home.

#3 He Might Be Balding But It’s From Getting His PhD. 

Running in slow motion into the arms of a man with a receding hairline is not exactly the stuff that dreams are made of. However, that stuff must cost a lot of money, and the manufacturer just filed for bankruptcy, because here he is: Prince Almost Charming. He is punctual, well spoken, very well organized and madly in love with you after just one date. Better to be loved too fast than never to be loved at all. Who cares what your pathetic little boyfriendless friends think? Just remind them how brilliant he is. After all, the price of all that thinking is losing some hair.

#4 He Might Be Dumb But He’s Not Dull! 

So what if Bill Gates dropped out of college? He dropped out of Harvard, for one, and secondly, he had a vision for his life and proved it right. But lets not diss Almost Prince Charming, we just met him! He stares at you with child-like innocence. “The Twin Towers are gone? Shut up dude!” Smile! Do you really want to date a guy who is so smart you’ll feel dumb all the time? Everything out of his mouth reminds you of all the things you love about life . . . the simple things, like how many sit ups he did this morning, what he ate for lunch and who the Lakers are playing tonight. He is a mental massage after a long, hard day of work, and almost everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious. You could do a lot worse!

#5 He Can’t Make Your Bed Rock But Here is a Rock! 

So he flunked the Kama Sutra classes? He was learning to be rich and powerful. He is solid, trustworthy, dependable and you can rock ChinChilla. You are not a gold digger; only diamonds for this girl. You literally stopped worrying the day you met him and your parents love him. Think of the long term — you want kids and those buggers are not cheap!

#6 He Talks Too Much! 

Awesome! Listen! You’ll learn a lot about him and you’ll catch any lies. Let him run his mouth, sit back and take notes!

#7 He Is A Mama’s Boy.

Lucky you! At least you know he respects women and eventually life will phase your mother in law out and he’ll be all yours.

#8 He Is An Ugly Duckling…But He Might Turn Into a Swan.

Most ugly has a cure. If he is too scrawny, get him to the gym. If he dresses terribly, style his closet and help him make a worthy donation to Salvation Army with anything you don’t like. Teeth . . . well, be patient, nothing good braces over time can’t fix. Shave the unibrow and pluck the stray hair from his ear and nose and viola! Prince Almost Charming. “A votre service mademoiselle!”

#9 He Did Some Time That’s Not A Crime! 

The crime is what they busted him for, but that’s in the past now. There is a reason we don’t have eyes in the back of our heads. Look forward.

 #10 You Sent For Charming But You Got Dumpty! (Dedicated to Franny who is no longer my Manny!)

 I guess some clever plastic surgeon did a damn good job putting him back together because here he is, larger than life! Wait! Before you blow him off, not-so-perfect lil missy, take a deep breath. Your parents raised you better than that! This guy could be the biggest catch! He studied while the jocks did jock things. He had no girlfriends, so he worked his ass off to prove a point to women in general. He is picking you up in a classic collector’s item car and taking you to a restaurant whose name you can’t pronounce. He has no problem with shopping sprees, and he hangs on every word you say. He is ordering you a glass of Cristal, not Crystal . . . and look how kind his eyes are. And if he asks you what you love about him, be honest. Tell him no-one has ever treated you like a real princess before in your life. He will bring you the world on a silver platter along with some french fries for himself on the side. At first glance, no other woman will be interested in him. This just might be Mr Wrong Gone Oh So Right! You lucky fish